Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I don't mean to come across as insensitive...

...but as my fellow Iowans are mourning the death of an ISU student that got hit by a train and died this past weekend, all I can do is sit here and wonder: Who the FUCK gets hit by a train!?!?

You've all heard of the Darwin Awards, right? People dying in absolutely spectacularly stupid ways? Well in my honest opinion, getting hit by a train in this day and age has to sit at the very top of this list. I mean, all through school, from Pre-School through college, I never once had to sit through a class or lecture on how to not get hit by a train. You know why that is? Because not getting hit by a train is very simple. You don't get hit by a train by doing precisely the following:

ANYTHING but "Standing on train tracks when a train is coming".

If you disagree, and think this needs further analysis, let’s recap…

Trains ARE:


Trains are NOT:

Known to make sudden movement
Veer off course
Make ‘wrong turns’
Dart buses (this one, only my Central Iowa readers will ‘get’).

The only quasi-rational explanation I can even remotely fathom for how this occurred comes in the detail of the story that explains how this girl got tired, told her boyfriend she didn’t’ want to walk anymore, and her boyfriend offered to go and get his car and come pick her up. Now maybe, MAYBE, she then saw the train, and in a drunken haze, thought it was her boyfriend’s car. Of course the question then needs to be asked: why did she decide to stand right in the path of her boyfriend’s car? And why would she think her boyfriend drove a train….either one takes away from the plausibility of this explanation.

Seriously, I don't mean to sound like a dick, but this one really blows my mind...


  1. This is SO well timed. I'm preparing a case right now that we are defending, going to trial next month, where we are being sued by the plaintiff's family because he got hit by a train and died. And so did his passenger. Yes, they were in a car, but I still argue...how do you not see, or hear, a train?? That's their counsels argument. That some shrubs a 1/4 mile down the road blocked their view and the train was "unusually quiet." I hope my jury feels like you do. Personally, I think he saw it coming and was trying to beat it.

  2. And the resulting combination of your post and my comment answers a question that people have been asking me since I was graduated from college: "why don't you become a lawyer?!" You know why I don't (or didn't...or don't) become a lawyer, because what I wrote is EXACTLY what my opening and/or closing argument would be. Screw citing case law, screw "legal precedent"...unless your name is Polly, you just got dumped by a Mountie, and a man named Snidely Whiplash was involved, you don't get to blame ANYONE for getting hit by a train but yourself.