Thursday, August 25, 2011

From The Top: X-Men #3

Quickly now, what's the difference between fat people now, and fat people in the Sixties?

If you answered: Fat people now ride around Walmarts in scooters whereas in the 1960's they worked as sideshow freaks at carnivals, you may be correct. Witness if you will the blubbery madness that would now be blocking you from picking up that single item you went to the store for as the spill off their Rollaround in...

X-Men #3 - January 1964.

The X-men are once again at it in their Danger Room, honing their skills and showing off for their mentor, the great dick head known as Professor X. This time they're shooting bags of sawdust at Cyclops who's trying to deflect them with his eye-beam. Not only do we discover in this scene that Cyclops real name is 'Scott', but we also get the never to be mentioned again information that Beast is allergic to sawdust.

After Cyclops is done, it's Marvel Girl's turn. The subtext is painfully clear: Xavier hates women. Apparently he feels Jean talks too much and is one step away from having to take off her x-boots and spend her time making the boys x-sandwiches in the x-kitchen since by the end of Page 3 of the book he's told her to shut-up twice.

The second time may have been excusable though as he was getting some kind of mental tickle in the back of his dickhead brain telling him that there was a new mutant on the loose. He then tells his X-Men to go get ready to hit the streets and find this new mutant before he or she becomes a threat.

On their way out of the mansion, Jean (being the submissive female of the sixties that she is) feels that the Professor looks pensive and tells him not to worry about them (remember, this is the guy who stopped short of slapping her across the face and telling her to keep her whore mouth closed a page before) which provides the opening for this creepy pedo moment:

What happens next my friends is neither a shining example of super-heroics or humanity as the X-men venture aruond town before finding a big fat man working as a sideshow freak at a carnival and deciding that he is their new mutant. After coercion doesn't work, the X-Men basically try to bully the Blob back to their school to be examined by Xavier. Actually, bully may be a bit of an understatement. Cyclops uses his eye beam to shoot the Blob into a wood burning stove. I think that's actually assault.

Luckily, the Blob's mutant power of fatness prevents him from being hurt, and yes, I suppose that the Blob does eventually agree to go on his own free will (after seeing Jean), but it's really pretty clear the X-Men wouldn't have just shook his hand and left if he was adamant about NOT going.

Once they get him back to the mansion, Xavier pokes him and prods him until he's satisfied that Blob is in fact a mutant, and then offers him a place with the X-Men. Blob refuses and the X-Men then decide that saying "No" is unacceptable and stop him from leaving.

Now, bullying wasn't a crime in the 1960's, and I'm not sure if coercion was, but I'm pretty damned sure that both kidnapping and false imprisonment were both HIGHLY against the law back then. Luckilly, the X-Men are no match for the Blob and he's able to escape...through a manhole...

Yeah, apparently manholes were a LOT bigger back in 1960's...

Blob gets back to the carnival and Xavier flips his shit over the fact that Blob turned him down and knows where they live. Blob is angry that he was kidnapped and imo and kick the gprisoned (falsely) by the X-Men, so he gathers up his carney pals to go and kick their asses. As they're gathering up their forces, Angel flies overhead and they try to shoot him out of the sky (gee, I wonder why...). Angel runs home to tell his dickhead mentor who is at work on a device of some sort and as Angel goes to warn his teammates, the Blob's forces make their first move by having a giraffe stick his head in a window and eat Iceman's ice-cream sundae.

What ensues is hilarity as the X-men engage the Blob and his carnival flunkies on the front lawn of their school (that apparently has no nearby neighbors), and Professor X continues to fiddle away on his device. Just as it seems that the X-Men are defeated and the Blob something awful to Xavier, the team rallies together for one last attack and when Xavier is sure that the Blob and his carny henchmen are at the lowest point of being able to mentally resist him, he uses the device he's been building for the past several pages to boost his mental powers and wipe the memories of all their enemies.

So...yeah...bullying, assault, coercion, kidnapping, false imprisonment...all within the span of 24 pages, with a mental gang rape as the cherry on top. Welcome to the world of the X-men making their own problems for themselves. Over the course of the next 50 years of issues, The Blob goes from being a simple fat man who makes his living at a carnival to becomming one of their most famous recurring foes. He ends up throwing in with a variety of super-villian groups committing crimes along the lines of attempting to assassinate a United States Senator (and presidential candidate), all because the X-Men acted like a bunch of dickwads the first time they encountered him.

Way to go team...way to go...

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